The tomatoes are attacking

This is what I came home to after only being gone for one week! I've never seen a tomato plant this large in my life. And believe me, I've seen a lot of tomato plants in my day.

They're taller than me! What the hell kind of crazy radioactive soil do I have in my backyard that is making this happen?!

(Oh, and apologies for the outfit - I was in my workout clothes...)